Learning To Trust Myself, Again

Photo1 sox hip opener

I need to take baby steps along the way of building trust…

I read somewhere (by someone wise -wish I could remember…) recently, that if we are unable to trust ourselves, how on earth are we able to be trusted by anyone else or BE trustworthy and earn our own self respect? {big-time paraphrasing there}

Taking the time to say I am going to do something and then following through with said thing, is the basis of what we build trust on, yes?

And if I am unable to do this, then I am considered ‘untrustworthy’…Mostly by myself, and this is bad. Really, it is. So to be someone of integrity (in my own mind) this is of the utmost importance.

I feel as though I follow through with the majority of the things I set out to do for others. I know this to be true and I seem to have a good reputation for following through for my kids, massage clients and yoga students. It feels good to know that I am thought of in that regard. My ego dances in that!

But what about my perception, how I feel about it…?

Am I living a lie if I put myself in the of-lesser-importance basket? Honestly, I am realizing just how important it is. I am feeling more like a phoney if I am not true to myself… It’s not good…

All of the excuses for putting what is important for my own well-being aside are all so legit! There is always laundry, bookwork, meals to prepare, cleaning to be done, things to get the kids off to and back from, yoga to prepare for and teach, clients to massage, emails to return… Blah, blah, blah. The competitive-busy-ness-thing we all seem to get into is ridiculous. I often seem to blow it off and go and see a movie or something to remove myself from the overwhelming-ness of it all… It’s not good…

What if I were to put myself in the of-greater-importance basket?

What if I looked after myself the way I look after my kids, clients, yoga students…?

Oh, my! How would that look? I would be committed to making some promises to myself, stay true to the promises I make to myself, follow up and follow through…

You see, truth is, I KNOW all of this and I HAVE done this. I’m not being too hard on myself. I want to be the kind of person that if I was transparent, people would see me the way I see me and we would all be happy about how that looked. I don’t really care too much about how people see me, a compliment is nice to receive every now and then, it’s nice to be appreciated… But it really comes down to how I feel about me.

In my younger days, I felt very ugly… It made absolutely no difference what anybody said about this. If they told me something different to the way that I felt, I considered them to be nice, well-meaning liars and they were NOT to be trusted.

I am not a religious person, but I have faith (noun: complete trust or confidence in someone or something) in what I believe. I trust (noun: the state of being responsible for someone or something. verb: believe in the reliability, truth, or ability of) what I believe to be true. It doesn’t really matter what IS true. I remember caring people laying down evidence before me to prove to me that I was wrong. It didn’t matter! My belief/faith/trust in what I knew to be true was profoundly stronger than anything logical like actual evidence/science/spreadsheets… Whatever. It’s pretty remarkable, really. I must’ve been a real piece of work for anyone to spend time with. Apologies to you all!

{kinda went off on a little tangent there, sorry}

I guess what I am getting at is that the ‘voice inside my head’ is super important to not only MY well-being, but to the way I perceive my self worth and how I project that out into my world. I need my own proof/evidence, from a source I am able to trust… My ‘higher’ self.

(It’s an owl)

I am really feeling the need to see me how others see me; as trustworthy, honest, somebody who follows through, is kind and caring… (To myself).

I am going to start with going to bed (to sleep) at 10:30pm so I am able to be up at 6am to do something that is for my own nurturing -for 30mins (meditation, walk, restorative yoga, pranayama, journaling…). This will be used as an exercise to build up the trust in myself to make bigger decisions to stick to and follow through with. To make the time to get to know me the way my ‘owl’ knows me. From that I will develop a surer sense of my trustworthiness to make clearer decisions, bigger commitments to make this life of mine what it is suppose to be; Fearless exploration, guiding and inspiring others, flying higher than I allow myself to dream of doing right now.

Baby steps.

It’s going to be awesome!