Heart Whispers – Part 5, Stupid Heart…

 

Continued from Part 4, Letting Go of the Why…

 

…So when I DO get into the why, theories arise:

 

Theory #1.

I ran an 8 mile road race the day before. Yes, of course I pushed myself, it was a race. I had trained for it and was running regularly. 

If this was the ’cause’, wouldn’t I have had this heart attack then…. During the race, or right after it??

 

Theory #2.

On Dec 10th, 2002, the love of my life, my husband of 9 years, my ‘soulmate’, the father of my 2 boys, the man I would live together with until is was 104, the person I made vows to — Told me he didn’t love me.

What?

“I don’t love you”

Ya right, heh… {but, I’m adorable…}

“I don’t love you anymore…”

What?

{silence}

Are we getting a divorce?

“No”

Oh, my god {breaking down} we are not going to be able to homeschool, are we…?

Is there someone else?

“No”

…Because if there was someone else…

“No”

…this might make some sense {fading}

But how can this be?

“I just. don’t. love. you. anymore”

But…

I don’t understand…

My heart, my faith in what it told me was smashed to smitherines. From out of nowhere, I was completely flabbergasted. To be completely honest, I’m still shocked by this. It is so incredibly hard — to type, but if I just keep going, not looking at the monitor {just look at the letters on the keyboard, Carol} then I will be able to spew it all out.

{breathe}

I left my home (Australia) for this person, I left my family, a continent, a whole friggin hemisphere!

It felt like the most natural thing in the world the easiest decision ever… It wasn’t about giving up stuff, it was about being with the man I fell in love with. I couldn’t NOT do it…

{another d e e p breath}

It broke.
My little heart just broke.
My heart lied to me {What an asshole}. This thing was not to be trusted…

 

Theory #3.

Coping as a single mum to my, then, 6 and 8 year old boys about 70% of the time (quite well, I thought). Living for a number of years below the poverty line, committed to homeschooling my lads, doing my best to provide them with everything they needed. Trying desperately to hang on to our home (the former husband helped with mortgage payments). Teaching 16 yoga classes a week, doing the odd catering gig (I’m a chef, by trade), preparing for and selling baked goods at our local Farmers’ Market.

I guess it was a lot, I dunno… I was just doing what I needed to do. 

Stress? Meh!

Theory #4.

I had a Thai Massage the night before… ?

{grasping at straws here}

Theory #5.

About 2 months prior to this, I had begun a new (potential) relationship… The day before the ‘incident’, we made-out for the 1st time.

Was my stupid, pathetic, untrustworthy heart saying ‘No’?

Maybe…

 

Stay tuned for Part 6 {I promise it will get happier}